It’s almost relaxing to sit here in the office alone with the laptop.  I just received a text message in the other room, but I’m in no hurry to get up and respond.  These moments seem to be few and far between as of late.  I know things are getting better, but I feel like it has been a real test these past few months.  I told myself I would never spank a child, that that was something I didn’t believe in, yet I have now done it twice.  Neither time hard, but I’m still filled with guilt and uncertainty.

I’m going to get them started in therapy very soon.  I’m calling to get them set up with appointments tomorrow.  It’s time.  They’re so angry, so filled with hurt, so broken.  My heart hurts for them.  I teared up in church today thinking about it, thinking about all the things they’ve been through that kids shouldn’t have to experience, wishing for the strength to continue on this path of showing them love and support.

It makes it all worthwhile when I hear people say things like that they see an improvement, even if just a little.  It makes it worthwhile when my 12 year old asks me if I’m going back to school in Atlanta, and when I tell him that I am not that he is excited.  I know that the things they say are often out of anger, I just don’t know how to help them be less angry.  How to live more satisfying lives.

I know I haven’t had much worthwhile to say about fibromyalgia in awhile, and I’m sorry to those who come to this blog for that.  My life is these kids right now.  I never thought I would be so consumed.  It really convinces me of that idea that your family is who you make it.  This is my family now.

It’s really kind of strange.  I found out quickly who was going to be there for me.  I think one of the biggest disappointments was my mother.  I don’t really receive any contact from her these days unless she needs something.  Worse, in the realm of family functions, my mom uninvited the kids but wanted me to still come.  It gives me a lot of respect though for those who have stood beside me.

Thank you who have stuck around through all of this.