“You need to lighten up…”

Oh, how I dread hearing these words. No, I don’t want to watch a romantic comedy, and yes, I do take myself very seriously. It’s the end of the year and I have more work than I can handle, and additional stressors have been added to the mix. I have run out of my Lyrica and am far away from my prescribing doctor, so I don’t even have that to take the edge off and I am TIRED. I need some actual rest. I am trying to deal with additional problems that are way out of my hands, and I’m then told that I need to lighten up. To take myself less seriously. I have not until this week considered the implications of these words.

It was through talking to a fellow disabled friend today that I began to look at things differently. People are right, I am cranky right now. I am subject to spells of crying, insecurity, self-deprecation, complaining, moodiness, apathy, anger, frustration, sadness, self-righteousness, hopelessness, and that’s just before lunchtime. And indeed I am sorry to those who bear the brunt of some of my bad moods. Still, I have realized that the comment that I need to lighten up was highly problematic on a number of levels.

First, it does not acknowledge my illness. I don’t think many would argue that when any of us are sleep-deprived, stressed, or in pain, we are likely to not be in the loveliest of moods. Chronically ill folks often deal with all three of these at once. To expect us to always be in a good mood or to feel like laughing and joking and having a good time is to not acknowledge our illnesses, to not understand that we are, in fact, tired and hurting and we have wants and needs when we don’t feel well, just like everyone else.

Second of all, it draws upon an issue many of us with disabilities have: the expectation of “normality”. It’s something I’ve talked about when dealing with Disability Services here (oh, and how that office could have its own blog post about the rampant ableism/disablism that exists, but don’t even get me started on that!); the expectation that things won’t come up at the most inconvenient time with our disabilities. Let me tell you though, flareups and fatigue are my normality.

I suggest then that my disability is not the problem, that perhaps it’s some others’ attitudes and expectations that are the problem. We have a right to not always be all right. We have a right to hurt and to cry and to be cranky sometimes and to be treated with neither apathy nor pity, but with understanding and patience. Accessibility is not and should not be just about ramps and elevators (though these things are certainly a lifesaver for me personally), but it should also be about addressing mental needs, emotional needs, spiritual needs.

Happy Blog Against Disablism Day.